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December 10, 2014

{I said Goodbye}

I'm holding on by a thread today. I know that with time comes healing but for right now, a week later, it doesn't feel like there will ever be a moment that my heart is breaking.
The funeral was nice. I was nervous to see him that way. But he looked like himself. Like he was just going to wake up. He looked like he did so many times when I'd walked in their house and seen him on their couch. Snoring away lol. I expected him to sit up and say "hey Kristin what are you guys up to?" But he didn't. He just laid there.

The slideshow I made played. Not the right one for some reason. I don't know what I did. But the 3rd song and the video didn't get put on the DVD. It was slightly annoying because I worked really hard on it. But whatever. The other one was good too. Maybe Ivan didn't want more than those songs? Who knows?

We went to my home town later for food at the baptist church. I was surprised more people didn't stand up and talk about him.

D stopped before we got there and got me some alcohol. I'm not really a drinker but the last few days I've had more than I've had since our wedding almost 4yrs ago. I tend to watch myself with alcohol because of the alcoholism that runs in my family. But I guess I stopped caring.

I'm posting the video I made here too. Just in case someone wants to see it. But that was my day yesterday. Today its filled with thoughts of him and thoughts of how I need to move forward and not dwell on the pain. Its not easy.

This holiday season is going to be so rough on us all. You can actually feel that someone is missing. He went to everything. Everything. I'm sure he's around us now thinking, "I hate that I had to leave so close to Christmas." He's probably kicking himself right now. I know him far too well.

So there we go.