December 7, 2014

{I Cry a Lot}

My world has been shattered. It will never be the same and for the life of me I don't think I'll ever be the same. I'm lost now. I'm lost and I don't want to be found because that is facing a reality far too painful to face.

On December 3rd at 11:15 pm, lying on my grandmas favorite couch, my grandpa passed away.

This was not just a grandpa to me. This man took me and my 3 siblings into his home. He raised us. He was our father in everything but DNA. He taught us everything a father is supposed to teach their kids. He came to our rescue when we were stranded right outside of town after realizing we'd run out of gas (again). He came to pick us up in the middle of the night because we were scared at a friends house. He bailed some of us out of jail (more than once) and if I remember correctly gave the cops an ear full. He took no shit from anyone, but us. And boy did he take some shit.

My brothers, sister, & pawpaw. We wore him out quite a bit lol

He has been there for me from the beginning. Since before the beginning actually. My grandma has often told me how he would bring my mom home a Reese's cup every night because that's what she craved while pregnant with me. I am not a fan of them still to this day. I am also told that he was a smoker before I came along. I have no physical proof of this other than a pipe in a drawer that hasn't been touched in years. My grandma told him he couldn't be around me if he was smoking (when I was a baby) so he quit. Just like that. I'm sure it was hard. But his love for me was that much stronger than his addiction. I've always told people that I'm his favorite because of that lol. Small I know, but still. I was the favorite ;). After I was grown and he'd done all he could do, he watched me turn my world upside down and get pregnant.  He was the one running to Steak N Shake at midnight (30min away by the way) because I woke up and was craving cheese fries and a steak burger (or a taco happened more than once). He was the one on the day of Gaiges birth that ran me through steak n shake and listened to Nick Carter the whole way because it made me not want to stab him lol. He was the one that took the abuse the day when I would constantly tell him to shut up because I was having a contraction and he kept asking me questions lol. You know what's funny though? When he held Gaige for the first time I knew I lost them both.

I have said it so many times to so many people, I created Gaige. I gave him life and brought him into the world. He was never supposed to be mine. He was always supposed to be with my grandpa. Always. Those 2 were 2 peas in a pod and could do no wrong in each others eyes. It was remarkable to watch. Gaige told me the other day, on the way to my grandma's house, that she had told him "PawPaw is closest to you and your mom". I'm not going to sit here and say that he didn't love all of us exactly the same (as my brothers and sister were so very close with him too), but I have to agree that he was certainly closest to Gaige. That boy had my grandpa wrapped around his finger from the minute he took his first breathe to the second my grandpa took his last.
Helping pawpaw in the yard at just 1 1/2.

Out to eat a couple years ago.

I don't have to tell you how crushed I am to know that the world is without one of the most amazing men on earth. I go to bed crying and I wake up crying. I cried myself to sleep last night. There's nothing anyone can do to make it better. It will never be better. Never. I will never be as happy in this new world without him as I was in the one he was in. Never. I just have to accept this. Oh I'll go on with my day. Eventually I won't cry every single minute of the day, I know that much. And I'll still make sure the kids get to do what they were already supposed to do, but it won't be the same. Nothing will be the same. There will always be something missing and we will all know exactly what it is. All of us.

I am broken.

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