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December 28, 2014

{3wks After Losing Him}

For those that might be wondering I thought I'd give a little update on how we are doing since the passing of our beloved pawpaw.

Gaige has spent most of his Christmas break with my grandma. She's gonna have a real empty house when he leaves on the 4th to come home. But I think being close to where pawpaw was, has helped him quite a bit. He can feel him there I'm quite sure and its comforting to be around his things. He doesn't cry a lot anymore. Or at least not in front of me. He has always been that way though. Never wanted to upset anyone so he would pretend everything was OK. He often talks about him though. And I try to keep his memory alive by taking a walk down memory lane with him when he chooses. I know he misses him as much as the rest of us. He will get through this. Not over it. But through it.

I am still broken. There's really no other way to explain it. I miss him so much it hurts and I want so bad to wake up from this nightmare. But its not happening. I've stopped crying myself to sleep but I still wake up crying some mornings. At the risk of sounding a little off my rocker though I've had a couple dreams about him. One that was so calming. I don't know what he said to me but I was so at peace when I woke and I just thought "he's here. He's always here." And I went back to sleep. I know he watches us all. I have to believe that because I need him to still be in my world somehow. I am aware I might sound crazy. You lose a parent and see how sane you are 3wks later.

My nephew (7yrs and as close to him as Gaige was) is having a rough time with it. My sister said he often asks to go to the shop and when she tells him he can't, he cries. Understandable.

My sister and brothers are about in the same place as me.

My grandma is doing OK I think.

Owen knows I'm sad and hates it when I cry lol. He came in the other night when I was crying. He got into my bed and rubbed my back. I asked him what he was doing and he said "I'm rubbing you cause you're sad about pawpaw dying..." Sweetest boy ever.

So we will get through this. All of us. But its going to suck. Bad.