November 18, 2016

{I Think It's Time For Some Truth}

I don't even know where to start this right now. I guess we should start with the fact that, I haven't lost any weight since my initial seven pounds. None. Why? I'd like to say I don't know, but I know that's not true. I do know why and the blame is all on me.

I can't seem to get full people. I eat and eat and eat and then I still don't feel full so I eat some more. It's never huge amounts of food at once, it's the snacking. I can't eat just one Nutri-grain bar, I eat three. I can't have one piece of chicken with dinner, I have two or three. When I make mac and cheese I can't have a couple spoons full (or even the cup that is the suggested serving), no, I have three or four spoons full and if there's some left in the pan I'll eat that later too.

Of course I feel like crap after I eat all that. I feel tired and unmotivated. I have the overwhelming urge to get on the treadmill and sometimes I actually do that. But for the most part I make a plan to get back on track tomorrow and then don't stick to that.

I used to think it was just that I have zero will power. But I know better. I lost almost twenty pounds on weight watchers a couple years ago. I remember how good it felt to go to Six Flags and be able to feel comfortable enough to wear shorts. I remember feeling OK walking around in my bathing suit for the first time in years. I remember my grandpa telling me how good he thought I looked and that he could tell I was a much happier person having lost some of the weight I wanted to lose. You can't know how good hearing him say that felt.

But now here I am, two years later (maybe three) and I've gained all that weight back and then some. When I look at pictures D took from the Nick Carter concert in February, I'm mortified. I look like a whale. I don't feel like I look that big though. Obviously I'm not seeing me like others see me. I'm not seeing the me that I see in pictures when I look at ones someone else took. Someone who wasn't tilting it so far up that it was damn near an aerial shot. What I do feel is my rolls when I sit though, and I can see them too.

But I can't seem to make myself stop eating what I shouldn't. I buy healthy snacks. I buy them and then I eat them all in the first few days I have them. Because just like the unhealthy stuff, I have no self control over that either. It's insane and annoying and I wish I could make my brain and my stomach work as a team to understand that No I don't need to finish off the strawberries right now. But I can't. They're not communicating with each other.

I wish I could blame this weight on a baby. But my baby is nine years old, and not only that but I was back down to my pre-pregnancy weight within five months of having him. So I know this is just me and my brain and my will power not seeing eye to eye here.

What I don't know is what to do about it. I don't know how to curb my appetite without taking something and I don't want to do that. I don't want to take some miracle pill that just makes me lose weight as long as I'm taking it. I don't want to worry about the side effects of it either.

Tell me what to do! Please someone!