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March 17, 2015

{ #weightwatchers Weigh In Week 9}

Oh man. I'm up again people. Up. As in I gained. I gained 3lb. Which baffles me a little bit. I mean I knew I was off track quite a bit but I didn't think I was that of track. Apparently I was though or I'd be down.

I also decided to switch up my weigh in days. I'm noticing that weighing in on Friday is giving me license to do as I please points wise on Saturday and Sunday and that's not good. I should try to stay in my daily's all week, including the weekends. But I haven't been. I've been letting myself get by with slipping a little here and there. No more though. Maybe if I have to weigh in after the weekend I'll keep better track of what's happening on my plate through them.

I've also decided to go back to basics for the most part. I'm measuring everything instead of just eye balling it. That's where I think I'm really screwing up. We shall see though.

I went to Wal-Mart today (Ugh, I know. I try to stay away from there as much as possible but I was so bored and I knew if I stayed home all I'd do is eat) and bought a new water bottle. I saw someone on Instagram with it and I thought hey that's cute! Maybe if I have one I'll drink more water! It worked for today. Mine is pink and purple but this is the same kind. It's pretty good :).

I also picked up some perspective while I was at Wal-Mart. Walking around I just kept wondering to myself what my problem was. Why was it so much easier for me to take control of myself and handle my eating/exercise when I was on weight watchers the first time? What's different? And then I realized it what it is, I'm depressed. I've felt bad for a while, well, since December, but I didn't think I was this bad until today. I am not the same Kristin I was in November. I am different. I am changed. I am sad. And there's a piece of me that doesn't care if I'm fat. There's a piece of me that doesn't care if I even breathe tomorrow. But there's also that small, itty bitty, piece of me that says Kristin you can do this. You were on such a roll for so long. Don't give up now. Not because of me. I know he was proud of me for losing the weight I'd shed. He told me so one day when he was meeting me to pick up Gaige or something. He said that he wished grandma would get out and lose some of the weight so she would feel better about herself too. I told him thanks and that I was a happier version of myself. I felt like Kristin again. It felt good to hear him say those words. But I feel like now that he's not here I don't have the motivation. I don't have the drive. He wasn't the reason I started weight watchers the first time. But my grief has taken over so much of me that he is the reason I can't get back on track now. I know he would be pissed at himself for causing me to be this sad. I can hear him saying the words now Gosh I feel really bad about that.

My depression isn't going to go away over night, my grief isn't going to go away over night (or ever). I will never be the person I was before he left us. Never. But I need to be a different person. The one who can pull herself up and get back on this horse and get the damn job done that she set out to do. For once in my life follow through with something other than a pregnancy lol. I need to embrace the fact that I'm sad in order to move past the hurt and get back to what I need to do.

I know that people are probably tired of hearing me talk about how much I miss him or how sad I still am. You lose your dad, you lose the person you could always turn to for anything and then you tell me how fast you get over that. If you can come out the other side of that shit without a scratch then you must not be human.

So there you have it. My weigh in for week 9. I'm not sure if I'll lose anything next week. But I'm going to try my hardest.

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