July 10, 2017

{ #weightwatchers Update | Not Skinny Yet}

I think we all know where this post is going. I'm going to make some apologies for not giving an update, then I'm going to say that I haven't been losing weight anyway so why update about me still being fat. Then I'm going to give you some story about how I have a plan to lose the weight. But it always turns out the same. A week later, despite good intentions, I'm sitting on my ass in front of the TV with a little bag of chips in one hand and giant soda in the other. Lord help me I just can not push myself enough to get my ass back in gear!

But once again, I'm going to try.

In the end, what matters is that I don't give up right? I mean of course the weight coming off is the general goal, but I'd just be proud of myself for following through with something.

I really hate to go here and get all depressing on you, but I feel like for the past two years I've just been depressed. I don't show it of course. I move on with my life the best I can and I'm great at holding myself together when in reality, I'd like to be laying in the fetal position on the kitchen floor clinging to the rest of my sanity. I won't though clearly. Because that's not who I am.

I think because I'm the oldest of my siblings I tend to want to be stronger for them and now for my kids, even if I feel like I should be falling apart. And because of this sometimes I am left behind. I dive into other things and pull myself along.

But I really feel like I need to shove myself back into...well...myself.

I need to start replaying a memory in my head and let that be the thing that pushes me forward instead of holds me back.

The memory is my grandpa, meeting in me in the K-mart parking lot to exchange children. We stood there talking for a little while and he said "Kristin I just wanted you to know that I think you look really nice. And I can tell you're losing weight." I'd been told by a few people at that point that I was losing weight and they could tell. But it's amazing how good it felt when he said it. It's like getting a pat on the back for a job well done from your dad.

Lord I miss that man.

I need to replay that memory over and over as I'm walking on the treadmill and turning down the McDonald's that the kids and D will inevitably bring home. I need to remind myself why I started losing the weight in the first place and why I joined weight watchers when I did the first time. I need to remember all of that because I think it will push me back to the place I need to be.

Besides, working out is supposed to help with depression right? At least that's what I've heard. I know that when I would walk on the treadmill at the gym I always felt better when I was done. It was some me time too. I could turn on my music (that everyone bitches about me listening to at home) and walk and not stop until I had reached a new goal speed/distance/incline.

I just wish I had someone to push me, ya know? Someone physically in my ear saying girl put that cookie dough back in the fridge! and woman get on that treadmill and walk those pounds off! I could get a personal trainer, but I don't necessarily want to pay someone to do it lol. I just want someone who knows me to make me want to do it. It can't be D though. Because the way he does it just makes me feel like a fatty. Besides, when you're trying to lose weight, the last thing you want to do is hear your significant other to say are you sure you want that doughnut?

OK. So the goal is to get up off my butt and put down the chips. But I'm not going to get down on myself when I'm not losing. That seems to be where I get hung up also. If I'm sticking to my points and working out and it's not showing on the scale, I get discouraged and give up then also. Blah. So many things hold me back. It drives me insane and makes me want to pull all my hair out. I wish someone would have pushed me to have a little more ambition as a kid lol.