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December 18, 2016

{Christmas Isn't Christmas Anymore}

When I was little, even as an adult, Christmas time was always my very favorite time of year. I loved looking at the lights and helping to decorate the various trees my grandma would have standing in her house (I think she got into the 20's one year!). I loved shopping in the snow on Christmas Eve with my grandma, because up until that day my grandpa didn't have the money to get it all done. Every year by some miracle someone would pay him (such is the life of a small business owner I suppose) and my grandma and I would head to the mall to finish up the Christmas shopping. Of course this was later in my teen years, she would have never done that with me as a little girl.

I remember one year I was laying in the crib in their room (a huge antique one that I'm pretty sure every kid who came through their doors slept in at some point. Until well past the point of them needing a crib lol), and I heard sleigh bells and someone walking on the roof. Now I don't know if I imagined the foot steps on the roof part, or if my grandpa actually went that far. But I know that I never questioned him about Santa being real again. What's funny is that I absolutely believe he would have taken it that far lol.

I remember one year he had a school bus (pretty sure it was a short one), how he came to own a school bus I have no idea, my grandparents took us around town to look at all the lights in the snow on Christmas Eve. Of course I spent all my time searching the sky for Rudolph's nose. Positive I would see it.

Christmas was full of magic all through my childhood thanks to him and my grandma. But mostly him I think. He loved to watch us watch in amazement at the lights. He loved to make us feel loved.

But now, two years after his passing, I have yet to feel the magic at Christmas time. This year, I didn't even put my big tree up. Sure I had to wait because of Disney. But I feel as though, had he been alive, he would have said now mommy you can't deprive those little kids of a big tree. And I would have sucked it up and put it up, even though it'll only be up for a couple weeks. I miss the magic.

Christmas doesn't seem like Christmas anymore. Of course, it doesn't help in the slightest that my grandma chose this month to move to the little house they own next door to theirs. And although I'm so happy that my little brother is moving into their house, it won't be the same at all. Not even a little bit. Then again, sitting in their kitchen without him there wasn't really helping matters either.

I guess the whole things boils down to him being my home. If he were living in the little house, all would be fine and it would feel like home. But because he's not there, it's just not. And it honestly doesn't feel right at all to be sitting there surrounded by things that used to sit in their house.

I don't really have a point to this post. I just miss my grandpa. And I miss Christmas. And I can't have one without the other anymore. And it sucks.