October 17, 2014

{I wasn't Looking for Prince Charming}

For as long as I can remember I've been a girl that liked a bad boy. I wanted all the drama that came along with them because I thought the more crap you go through with a person, the more likely you are to stay together. That one day they'll be talking to someone and say "She was with me through all this BS. I couldn't do it without her." What I didn't realize is that you don't have to go through all the crap for them to say something like that. You don't have to put up with them calling you fat or telling you you're not good enough. You don't have to put up with them obsessing over ex's or cheating on you with every Tammy, Jane, and Helen they walk past. You can still have the "I couldn't have done it without her" moment without getting your heart stomped on, you can have it even if you put your foot down and say "I know my worth. And I'm worth a lot more than you think I am." (without the risk of sounding like a hooker ;) ).

The first time I ever said I love you to someone that wasn't relation I was 15. I don't even think I knew what love was at that point. I met the guy on a Backstreet Boys chat room. I'd been going there for a week or two when I finally joined in the conversation. He private messaged me asking for my A/S/L (for those that don't know, that is Age/Sex/Location). He called himself SpiderMan. We talked quite a bit that first night, about everything under the sun. He was 19 from Canada. Not close enough to be harmful, I thought. We had just gotten the internet at my house, hell we had just gotten a computer lol, so I was wary of who I should talk to and who I shouldn't. Stranger Danger being what it is and all. We met up in the chat room off and on through out the day on the weekends and stayed up all hours talking about all kinds of inappropriate things. We ended our conversations with I love you. Far too quickly when I look back on it now. It went on like this, eventually we talked on the phone, I sent him some stuff in the mail, ect. for about 4 years. We'd talk for a while and then "break up" and get back together. He was talking to several other girls (some of whom had become my friends) while talking to me. Basically he was jumping from room to room and had a girlfriend in every one of them. It was frustrating when I finally found out about it (from a friend who had also been talking to him). We stopped talking completely when I graduated high school and began dating someone a little closer to home. We didn't talk again until many years later and he was married with a kid. Still a player. Still trying to convince me that we should meet up for kinky sex (say huh?!), but I refused saying I had already met someone and I was happy (this was after D and I had met and had Owen). We talked a couple more times and that was it, I didn't want to talk to someone who was constantly talking in an inappropriate manner. It was harmless on my end of course, not so much his. Quite annoying when I had once loved this guy so much.

I didn't say I love you again after that. I dated a couple guys, 1 being Gaiges dad. He claimed to love me but I refused to say it back. I knew that wasn't something I felt for him right off the bat. Then there was the DJ who I met online. He was about 10yrs older than me but acted like he was 18. He was obsessed with his ex wife and he was also cheating on me with several different girls he met while doing parties at the college in his town I guess. I don't really know. It only lasted a year, or less.

I dated one guy before I met Gaiges dad that ended up being in a relationship with another girl also. I was the side chick. Which pissed me off. Blah. I didn't love him either.

The next time I said I love you to someone, I was 21. And even then it was hard for me to say. I was scared that I would say it and he would run. Or that I would say it and he would think he "had me" so he could then turn into a douche bag. So I didn't say it. He did though. He was the first to say it. He said it while he hugged me in his living room one day. I don't know if he meant to say it, but he opened that door first. I still didn't say it. I didn't say it because I didn't know if I wanted to be with him forever. Until one day I didn't have a sitter for Gaige when he showed up to pick me up. So he went and picked up Dawn from his grandmas house, and we went to the park. The 4 of us. I believe it was then that I knew he was the one. We have had our share of drama. Probably more than our share actually. We've changed and matured and grown together. We've fought and laughed and cried. We broke up twice and got back together twice. We've been together 12 years now.

The first time I ever heard of him say "I couldn't have done it without her" was our wedding day. Actually I didn't hear him say it. My uncle came up to me after the reception, as people we filing out, and said that "he really loves his Kristin". I said he better he's stuck with me forever lol. My uncle went on to tell me that D had been telling him (and some other guys) what we had gone through the last year with him going back to school and working full time on top of that. He told them that he never would have accomplished anything if it hadn't been for me. He knew that he just had to focus on work/school and that everything at home was taken care of.

We had our drama and our problems, but he never treated me like I wasn't worth what I knew I was. He never treated me like I was replaceable, in fact he has told me that I'm not. We got through all of that because I wouldn't be treated any other way than how I knew I should be treated. He respects me for not letting him walk all over me. I know he does. And I love him for knowing that I'll put up with an awful lot, but he doesn't make me.

So you see? You can let a man know your worth and still get the "I couldn't have done it without her". You just have to know your worth before you even start dating him. :)


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