You know, they say the first year after you lose a loved one is the hardest. I believe it. Last year was brutal for me (and for my family obviously). I walked around most of the time in a fog. Not knowing really where to go or what to do. It was as if losing my grandpa (the man who raised me...basically my father) shut off a part of my brain as a coping mechanism. I could focus only on a few things at a time. Even D had said to me that he could tell a difference. I was once pretty on top of things. Especially when it came to the kids and what they needed. But last year, all of last year, I couldn't think of one thing for more than a few minutes. Going grocery shopping was the biggest pain in the ass because I would forget half of what I went for and come home with practically nothing. It had gotten so bad that D has started coming with me so that we get everything we need. I thought I was making it through OK though. As OK as one can be when their world feels as though it's crumbling around them and they have no idea how to piece it back together.
But looking at this year, even in the last month, I've noticed that something has shifted. I still miss my grandpa every single day. I talk to him all the time. I still cry. In fact I can't watch a hospital scene in a movie without bursting into tears. But I kind of figure that's going to be the case for a while. I still feel different, I'm not better by any means, just different. I can get through my day without dissolving into a puddle of tears on the bathroom floor. I don't cry myself to sleep or wake up crying. I'm doing OK right now.
I feel like this year will help me to process my grief and to maybe learn ways to make my way through it. I'm not going to say get over it because you never get over losing someone like that, but I think making my way through it sounds right.
I've already got exciting things happening this year. Next month D and I are venturing to Chicago to see Nick Carter at the House of Blues! I'm beyond excited for that! I saw him live in this exact place 13 years ago! Woohoo!
And then of course we can't forget our trip this December. D and I have set up a budget and know how much we have to save to get us to Florida this year! I'm so excited! I can't wait to share Disney with my kids. I can't wait to have them experience this just like I did. And since we're going in December, I feel like we'll be making a good memory to not really replace the bad one (because that's impossible) but to help making the month not so damn rough. Ya know? Maybe if we do this with them Gaige and I won't be so friggin' depressed all month long. And no one can be sad at Disney right?! :)
So 2016 is looking like a pretty good year so far. We'll see what it holds for us from here to the end but at this point anything is better than last year right?
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