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February 24, 2016

{I Chose Him}

If you've been reading my blog for any amount of time, you know that I had Gaige when I was just 19. To make a long story short, I met a guy at work, we started "dating", and I ended up pregnant. What I haven't been super up front about was the fact that I wasn't always positive I was going to be a mom.

I remember the night I found out I was pregnant. I bought a two pack of EPT tests from the Walgreens near where we worked. I came right home and took one. It didn't take the three minutes for that plus sign to pop up, the minute the pee hit that dye it was obvious. I went to bed. More that a little freaked out at the thought that I was pregnant. The next morning I peed on the second stick. I thought Maybe the first one was wrong (FYI It is very rare to get a false positive but a false negative is pretty common). Nope. Still pregnant. I believe I dropped an F bomb at that point.

I had quit the job at the restaurant I was working at the night before (douche bag manager...) and I was unsure of what I wanted to do. But I knew I needed to let him know, I also knew I needed to do this as soon as possible. I went to the restaurant and waited for him to come out for a smoke break.

I will never forget the words that came out of his mouth when I finally got out what I needed to tell him. You better take care of that...

I was shocked. I didn't know what to say that. It's not like we were in love or anything. I knew it wasn't like we were going to have some kind of Lifetime movie moment and he was going to drop down to one knee right there in the parking lot. What I wasn't expecting was for him to say he didn't want the baby at all. (Kind of wish I would have just kept it to myself at this point)

I went to a friend, we went to Planned Parenthood who confirmed what I already knew, I was pregnant. I didn't know what to do. So I went to his moms house. I trusted her. She had always been straight with me. Always been easy to talk to. I told them I was pregnant, they (his mom and step dad) were pretty surprised. Apparently they were all under the impression that he couldn't have kids.

This is when the what are you going to do? questions started. I had no idea what to do. And I didn't know where to turn to get the answers I needed.

We told my grandparents and my mom next (this was the first time any of them were meeting him by the way). We got the same questions, what are you going to do? I had no idea. I had time to figure it out.

He and I talked about it. He wanted me to get an abortion. He wasn't ready for a kid. He didn't love me. He didn't want to be stuck. But when I sat down and thought about it, abortion wasn't something I could do. It wasn't the choice for me and I finally told him that. I can't get rid of this baby just because you want me to. To which he replied You can't keep it just because you want to. But he was wrong. My body My choice.

I had many long talks with my friends and my grandma. I decided to have the baby. That's when the other A word came up, adoption. His mom had a relative willing to take the baby. My aunt and uncle said that they would adopt the baby also. I thought about it for a while. Could I carry this baby for nine months and then hand it over to someone else to raise? Possibly never seeing it again. Could I hand it over to my aunt and uncle and see it all the time? Could I give up my baby.

I was a few months along I think when I finally felt comfortable answering that question. I was keeping it. I hadn't even told the father at that point, I told his mom first. She was pretty shocked. He was more shocked. I think he thought he could convince me to give it up.

I was choosing to be a mom. I was choosing to keep this baby and raise him. I was choosing to do this. The hardest decision I have ever made was the one decision that changed my life forever.

I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't second guess myself a hundred times over the next nine months. I did. But when I saw that face...when I held him in my arms, I knew I made the right choice. He was mine and I was his. I was scared shitless but I knew this was right, I could feel it.

Now 13 years later, I don't regret a single minute of that choice. Not one.

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