May 19, 2012

{Guess that means he was there..}

I try not to make this blog overly personal while still talking about my life. But since this is the second time this has happened, I'm gonna go ahead and talk about it.
I may or may not have mentioned this in past posts, but my grandpa died of cancer in July of 2005. It affected everyone in my family. Actually I'm sure that it affected more than just the family, I think I heard someone say that there hundreds of people at his visitation? I can't remember a number I just know it was up there. He knew everyone and was friends with so many. I am not going to sit here and say that I was super close to him. I saw him on holidays mainly and once a year at the Pumpkin Parade. Because your fall didn't get off to a good start without heading to grandpas for some chilli and watching the parade. But just because I didn't see him every weekend or even every month, it doesn't mean that I don't miss him. Holidays are not the same and I don't go to the pumpkin parade anymore.

Anyway, several months ago I had a dream. It was mostly randomness. Most of it didn't make any sense at all lol. But the last part is what jerked me out of my sleep and had me sobbing for just..days. It was so emotional. I got to hug my grandpa. Something I had not done in years and something I greatly missed (even though I am not a hugger lol).

Excuse the hair lol

When I talked to D about it he said that maybe it was grandpas way of letting me know he was there. I don't know what it meant. I do know that I started talking to my mother again after I had the dream though. Because I felt like even though she was being shitty to me, he wouldn't have wanted us to not talk.

I have not had a dream with him in it since that night..until last night.

It was a wedding dream, I was in my dress, but things were going so weird lol. I just kept walking down the isle and my dad didn't walk with me, it was just me. At the end and in 1 of the first rows was my aunt who was cracking jokes lol. I thought it was funny. I was laughing and everything. And all of the sudden, in the 2nd row I look over and there sits my grandpa. Looking much like he did when I was little, before he got sick. I stood there and talked to him. He tried to tell me that he was talking to someone about me, but I don't know who. He commented on the picture I had displayed for him on the memory table.

This was the day I came home from the hospital.

I woke up sobbing again. Not because I missed him but because he was there. I couldn't help but thinking that day that I wished so much that he could have been there. And I guess he was :)

My High School graduation :)