June 19, 2019

{Dating Advice for my Teenagers}

There comes a time in every parent's journey when they hear the dreaded words I have a boyfriend/girlfriend. That happened to us just about a month ago. I tell you what kids, it was not an experience I was prepared for, but I feel like I've got some wisdom to impart on my two teenagers.



I got my very first boyfriend when I was in second grade. His name was Johnathan and my mother and grandmother can attest to the fact that I was totally in love. But I was seven. So in love really just meant I wanted him to only play with me at recess (and heaven help him if he pushed some other girl on the swings!). He ended up moving away in our third-grade year. But that's where my dating story begins. It was honestly all downhill from there.

I have had a series of horrible relationships. From guys who cheated on me, to guys who ghosted me. And the worst one, a guy that got me pregnant and then ditched us both. Sure I found Mr. Right eventually, but that took kissing a few toads along the way. And during my search for my dear husband, I learned many things about relationships and what I would and would not put up with during them. I'm here to share what I've learned. Most of these things were probably told to me at one point by an adult...I didn't listen to them either. Just like you won't listen to me now. But here we go anyway!

1. Treat Him/Her The Way You Expect to be Treated

This goes along the lines of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". If you expect to be showered with affection and attention, return the favor. Don't sit there and expect him/her to drop everything and come running to you if you aren't willing to do the same for them.

2. Cheating is for Douche Bags

I have been cheated on. It's no fun. I compare it to having your heart ripped out and trampled on. It's horrible. It leaves you feeling worthless and less than. So my advice to you is if you find yourself attracted to someone else, break up with whomever you're dating. Don't string them along and lie to them. Just be up front. You don't have to be a jerk, just say you'd like to start seeing other people. It's not going to be a fun conversation. But you're going to need to have it because, so help me if I find out you're cheating on your partner I will unleash a mom wrath on you that you have never seen before.

And along those lines, if your partner lets you know that he/she would like to see other people, take the news gracefully. Do not text/call/DM/FB them to death. Say you're sorry you feel that way, you understand, and when they've figured out where they want to be, to give you a call. That doesn't mean you have to wait around for them, but it's an answer to something that's hard to find an answer to. Be a grown up. You're old enough to be in a relationship, behave like it.

3. Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

This is not just a line out of a book or movie. It's an actual thing. I tell you what, I have been with my husband (your dad if my kids are reading this), for 15 years. And not once have I ever felt the need to be with him every second of the day. That doesn't mean I won't be around him at all, it just means that I know I don't constantly have to have eyes on him for us to be in a relationship. I want to miss him sometimes. When he takes trips, even if it's just overnight somewhere, I miss him. I want him to come home as soon as possible because I want to be around him. I'm sad when he goes, but it makes me that much happier to see him when he comes home.

Being around someone every single day is a recipe for disaster. A complete and total explosion actually. Ask anyone that has been around their significant other that much, they'll tell you they don't like it. They'll tell you they wish they would have spent some time apart, maybe it would have saved their relationship. So go out with your friends and let him go out with his friends. It's OK.

4. Have Your Own Friends

Do not adopt his friends as your own. They will always side with him and when you two break up (be it forever or for a short time) you'll be alone. That's just how it shakes out. It's OK for you to have your own friends to complain to or to have fun with. Get the group together and do something fun. But don't assume that his best friend is going to answer your calls/texts when you two break up (unless he wants to hook up with you too).

Which brings me to my next piece of advice...

5. Do Not Date Their Friends

This is going to lead to nothing but heartbreak and drama. Nothing good will come of any part of you dating his/her friends. Ever. It will end in tears...probably for you.

6. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

Say you've planned a movie date and he cancels on you. Don't stress about it. It's not a big deal. Flipping out will just cause more stress on the relationship. Tell him you can see a movie another time and you'll call one of your friends to hang out instead. If he's a decent person, he can handle that. If he's not, ditch him. He's not worth your time.

7. They Can and Should Have Fun Without You

It is perfectly acceptable for your partner to go have a good time without you. It's healthy actually, this goes along the same lines as don't spend every waking minute together. He wants to go fishing? Cool. Call your friends and see a movie. She wants to get a mani? Great! Grab your buddies and head to play video games at someone's house. You can meet back up when you're done having fun apart.

Let me tell you, my husband loves it that I don't pester him about doing something fun without me. I think I've only thrown a fit about it once and it was total bullshit that it happened the way it did anyway. I don't mind that he wants to go play D&D on Saturdays. He doesn't mind that I take off to Ulta on a Sunday. It doesn't matter to us. Because we see each other plenty. And we know that eventually, we will do something fun together also. Have your own interests guys.

8. Loyalty is not Overrated

This has nothing to do with cheating (it's a douche bag move, don't do it). Stay loyal to the one you're in a relationship with. Keep your relationship offline. Go ahead and vent to a friend about a fight you had, get her/his opinion. But leave it at that. All of your friends shouldn't hate your partner because of the crap you spew when you're pissed. Facebook is not the place to air your dirty laundry (though I'm sometimes guilty of this myself....I regret it later).

9. Save I Love You for Someone You Actually Love

I don't know how people jump from one love of my life to the next. I see it constantly on Facebook. These people meet a guy/girl and immediately change their relationship status to in a relationship and start talking about how much they love that person. Although I fell in love quickly with my husband, and our relationship moved fast, we had a lot of ups and downs because our relationship moved so fast. Do not do this. Do not start with the I love you's  a week into your relationship. Wait until after your first fight. If you bounce back from that, then consider that you might love that person.

I think that's all of them. I'm sure I'll have more words of wisdom as occasions arise though.



-Kristin

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